I have had a long, hard time this summer. I have put off my feelings and emotions because it just hurts so much. March 27 my best friend, Britney died from a long hard battle with leukemia. She was the most amazing person I knew. She saved my life in more ways than she even knows. You know those people who shape and mold you. The ones that help you learn and grow up with together.
I think after she died, I went into a defensive mode. I am strong, I don't need to grieve. But, you can't hide forever. I think I went into a mini crisis. What am I doing with my life? Life is short. And sometimes being a stay at home mom makes you feel worthless or like you are not important. I decided that I needed to get away from being a mom for a while and do something that made me feel important. I decided to get a job. And I love it. I got a job as a personal trainer at a fitness retreat center. It has been amazing. I truly love helping others. But I was feeling that little empty hole, and running away from my life wasn't filling it. Then tragedy struck again. Another friend, another good friend, Trisha, died. She was one of my best childhood friends growing up. She was the one I would have trampoline sleepovers with. The one we debated about if Santa was real or not. The one we talked about mysteries of the universe such as boys, the future, and other preteen problems. One of the hardest parts about this, was Trisha's viewing was on Britney's birthday. I couldn't handle this. Losing so many people that have been so important in your life is hard. And it hit me. I can't run anymore, my kids needed me and I needed them. I need to quit and be home for now. I'm not saying the job was bad or the job was not what I am meant to do, but it's just not what I am meant to do...now.
For my job, clients fly in from all over the country and we train them. They live at the Hyatt and we have chefs that cook for them, masseuses, and personal trainers. We train at different gyms and go on hikes. It is a pretty intensive program and is life changing and emotional for them. We get really close to them to help train them and it goes so much deeper than the outward changes. I had many great conversations and friendships that helped me as much as the clients. On one such hike, I was with a client and we were talking about death. She has lost some people close to her as well. Her husband sings and I asked if I could hear some of his songs. She actually had some of his music on her iPod and played me one of his songs. It was exactly how I feel about losing Britney. I started crying and I knew I couldn't go on without properly grieving. She was so cute, when she left she made me a CD called "It's ok to Grieve".
I am really sad that I am quitting actually. But I feel deep down inside that being at home is what I am meant to do right now and what I need to do. Maybe in a year or two, things might be different, but for now, I need to be a mom. I was right, life is short. And my babies are only going to be babies for a very short time. I have the rest of my life to work.
Death is a very interesting thing. I have never lost anyone close to me. I mean, grandparents have passed on but I'm talking about the friend who knows your very deepest, darkest secrets. The friend who you call to council you on life. The friend who you could talk to about anything, things you can't even talk to your family about. The friend who you truly rejoiced when she conceived a baby after going through her first cancer treatment. The friend you cried with multiple times when she confided in you how hard it is to be in the hospital. The friend who saw you at your best and worst and you saw at her best and worst.
I remember last fall, about a year ago. I thought she was going. We had gone to the hospital to see her and there were some issues and complications. We were not allowed to go in the room because nurses and doctors were surrounding her. At this point, she was having eyesight problems and couldn't see very well. A tumor was making her blind and making her see double. One of the nurses came running out and as the door swung open I saw her in her bed, surrounded by doctors and I will never forget the look I saw in her eyes. I know she couldn't see me, but I saw the pain and fear.
I remember when we did her 5k fundraiser, we went to the hospital to give her the check and tell her how much we raised for her. We were so excited. She was so happy she cried.
I remember the first time she told me she had cancer, I remember when she was put in remission the first time, I remember when she told us she was pregnant, I remember when she had her miracle baby, I remember when she started getting pains again in her hip and was scared to go back to the doctor, I remember when she called to say her cancer had returned. I remember when treatments weren't working, when nothing was going right, I remember when she got her blood transplant, I remember when she told us the transplant was working. I remember visiting her in the hospital over and over again. Each time was different. Sometimes you could see the frustration, other times, you were uplifted by her faith. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing in each of these circumstances. I remember the day before she died, when she was put on life support, I remember getting the call that she had passed on. I remember calling my husband I couldn't even talk because I was crying and he knew. I remember holding her sweet baby at her funeral and just hugging him over and over and I knew she was hugging me too.
I don't know how to properly grieve. I know it is hard. This summer has been hard. This past year has been hard. Watching someone you love, go through something so hard, is hard.
I love you Britney, you are my best friend. I miss you every single day. I wish I had your strength, your courage, just you. I wish I could call you and talk to you and ask your advice on everything. So many things remind me of you and it always hurts. I am sad that you had such a long, hard battle with leukemia but I am happy you are out of pain.
I love you Trisha, you were one of my best friends growing up. I remember you loved to listen to your brothers Queen CD and you thought it was so cool and would dance to it. To this day, every time I hear a Queen song, I think of you. I laugh when I think of our silly problems we stayed up all night talking about. I remember playing with your hamsters and you got so mad when we would squeeze them so hard poo would come out. I remember talking about Santa and we were trying so hard to convince ourselves he was real. You told me you saw Rudolph's nose. I loved being around you, you had such a great laugh, were always happy and always me me feel good. As we aged, and grew apart, you still called me on a regular basis. You called me when Britney died to offer your condolences. You still were so thoughtful and always kept our friendship going. It makes me so sad that the past few years of your life have been so rough. I am happy that you are free from any earthly problems and addictions.
Summer is almost over, it's time for a new season to start. I hope that I can always remember my friends in the beautiful, wonderful light that they were. But I am ready to start a new season. Where the hole that hurts is just a little bit less painful.
