Sad news

Well I wasn't sure when I was going to blog about this or if I was going to even at all, but I figure this is more my journal and I need to write about everything. Even sad things. At the same time we found out that Lee's sister Shanna was pregnant, we found out that I was as well. I was a week late and kept taking pregnancy tests and they all kept saying No. I really didn't feel pregnant but I thought it was possible. On Sunday I took a test in the morning and it said No again. So I just went on with my day. Later that night Lee saw the test sitting on top of the trash and says "You might want to come see this" and I was like "Oh whatever Lee don't trick me like that" (he has pulled that one on me before) and he was like "No really" so I go in and there is faint positive line. So we decided to go buy another pregnancy test to double check. I took it that night and yep Pregnant. I had a lot of concerns and doubts and I felt very unsettled. Not about getting pregnant or having another child but I felt like something was wrong. I don't know why but I guess I didn't have any symptoms or feelings and I just didn't "feel" it. I told Lee that I didn't want to say anything until we heard the heartbeat and knew for sure because I thought something was wrong. I kept trying to push it out of my mind and telling myself that my body just knew I was pregnant so I didn't have any symptoms like last time. I can't even explain the feeling I had. I was happy I was pregnant, we have been wanting another baby but I just didn't feel right about it. Anyways I get on with it, call the doctor and set up the first appt. My due date was April 19.
Then Wednesday happened. I was about 6 weeks. I woke up and was doing our usual morning routine of getting Owen breakfast and playing and all that fun stuff and I thought I felt something. I went to the bathroom and there was blood. I thought it might be "implantation bleeding" because it was really light. I immediately called the doctor and they told me that might be what it was but to come in that afternoon for an ultrasound to double check. As the day went on, I just knew that I had miscarried. There was too much blood and I knew that there was no baby. Lee took the afternoon off and we went in and got the ultrasound. I kept hoping that it was just one of those fluke accidents and everything was fine, but I knew deep down, like I knew from the beginning that everything was not fine and there was no baby anymore.
Even though I knew something was wrong, I still have had a hard time with it. I cried a lot that day but I know it was for the best. I feel almost relieved because I knew something was off but it is still a loss and it still hurts. I keep thinking "maybe I worked out too hard" or "I shouldn't have taken that Ibuprofen" or "what did I do wrong" etc, etc. I know there is nothing I did or could have done and it was probably something wrong with the baby. But I think everyone that miscarries or has complications thinks things like this. I feel like I was just waiting for this to happen. I knew I was going to miscarry at some point or another. I am glad that it was this early so I didn't have to get any surgery or anything.
The funny thing about this is that it was our first month trying and we got pregnant our first month with Owen so I know that we will be able to conceive again. The doctor wants me to wait a while to go through a regular cycle or two then we can try again. I also know that down the road when we do get pregnant and have another that I wouldn't have that child if I hadn't miscarried this time. I am trying to stay positive. I am so thankful for my family and friends that knew and were so loving and supportive.
So I guess the cat's out of the bag. Yes, we want another baby and yes, we are going to try after a month or two. Hopefully everything goes well and we are able to conceive quickly and everything will "stick". I hope in a few months I have some Good News!