I love this

When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go, only 1 of 2 things will happen, either He'll catch you when you fall, or He'll teach you how to fly!- Unknown

Can I just say...

I love my job.
"Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life".

Also, I want these for working out. Real bad.

First smile :)

This morning Calvin looked at me and let out a big smile. First REAL one! :) Today, he is 3 months old exactly. Of course, it didn't happen again, but it was there and we were looking at each other in happiness and both of us had big happy smiles on our faces. What a day!
Yesterday I took Calvin to the pediatrician to check up on his development. Nothing new there. She is a little concerned but there is nothing we can do this early on. We just have to keep our eye on him and if we start to notice a trend in delays then get him help as soon as we can. Whatever, I am just going to go on with my life and love my two little sons and do what I need to do. I am still concerned and just sick with worry, but I think that is just what being a mom is about. Some days are good, some are bad, all are hard but all are rewarding.

Eye appt

I took Calvin to his eye appt. Poor kid. We ended up being there for 2 1/2 hours, yet only saw the doctor for less than 10 minutes total. It was a complete joke and a complete waste of time. Calvin was super tired and therefore super cranky. He wouldn't look at objects or track them when he did because he was just so tired. They then finally put some eye drops in to dilate his eyes and he fell asleep for about half hour in my arms. The dr then came and looked in his eyes and said it looks normal. I could tell he really didn't know what to tell me. He did notice that his eyes didn't line up all the time so he said if they don't then they can do surgery on them. But his eyes don't do that all the time and I remember Owens being all googly for a while so I think it is just taking time to fully develop his eye muscles. I feel so irritated! I have another eye appt with the top pediatric eye doctor in Utah and that isn't until October so if his eyes haven't lined up then I will go in to see him. So I guess the good news is he sees fine and the bad news is that is not why he isn't smiling. The past few mornings when I have gone in to get him he gets really happy and does little smiles at the sound of my voice. He doesn't smile when I look at him or looking at me but perhaps that will come soon enough. At least he lets out one or two small ones a day. Usually in the morning. I have an appointment with a pediatrician next monday so we will see what she says.
I have come to the conclusion though, that no matter what, I am going to love this little boy with my whole heart. Every child is different and special in each of their own ways and you have to learn how to treat them and that is exactly what we will do. Do whatever we need to do to love him and help him move forward in life. I also am trying to not focus on the negative or freaking myself out over every little thing he does or doesn't do. He is only my little baby this once and I need to enjoy every second. I love him and feel like everything will be ok. I don't know whether that means he will have anything or not, but either way, we will love him and still be a happy family. I am so happy I have him here. He is such a sweet spirit and I love him!!

Sweet and Sour

How can something so sweet....

also be so sour?

Angels among us

Do you believe in Angels?

We have had so many prayers and blessings be sent our way and it is amazing! I am so thankful for all the many friends and family we have that love and care about us. Lately, Calvin has been giving small smiles. Not necessarily at us, but once or twice a day he looks really happy and stares at the ceiling or fan or whatnot and gives a few half smiles. The other day I took Calvin in his room to feed him and put him down for a nap. As I was feeding him he was looking past me at his wall and staring intently, he then smiled. After that he followed his eyes upward looking over my shoulder and smiled again. Then his eyes rolled around to the other side and he smiled yet again. At that moment, I remembered a blessing I had that said that when I needed comfort that angels would surround me. I always personally felt that babies can see what we can not. They are so fresh from heaven, how can they not? The week before this happened, Lee's grandma had passed away. She never got the opportunity to meet Calvin. I wonder if perhaps she was one of the angels meeting her great grandson and making him smile at her? I like to think so. What do you think?

Do you believe in Angels?

summer pics

Sorry about the lack of posts lately. Honestly, I have had probably one of the hardest months ever. Calvin is now over 11 weeks and still...nothing. I am terrified. I really truly am a basket case. People say not to worry, but how can you not? I feel deep down in my heart of hearts that something is wrong. I am so in love with him it hurts. I feel so afraid sometimes. Especially when I am alone. The worst part is I know that there is nothing I can do until he gets a little older so I am trying to enjoy him the best I can as a baby. Tonight we were outside playing and one of the neighbor girls came over and was looking at Calvin. She is about 4 years old and has a baby brother about a month or two older than Calvin. She was kinda trying to make him smile then she looked at me and said "My little brother smiles at me". I know she is only 4 and wasn't saying anything mean so I told her that he was still a little baby. It is hard when people try to make him smile and he just looks around in outer space. Then I get annoyed at the people who say "have you tried tickling him?" or "have you blown on his belly?" or "have you tried..." Oh, no that is a good idea, maybe I should try to tickle him...of course I have. I have literally tried everything. Our house is a circus act when Calvin is awake. I make a damn fool of myself trying to do everything I can to make him smile. It doesn't help though that he doesn't look at me a lot. So we have an eye doctor appt next Tuesday. Maybe, and I feel like this is a long stretch, just maybe he can't see very well. Maybe he can't see us smiling at him and that is part of the reason he looks around and looks like he is just looking past us. So keep your fingers crossed. Well I didn't mean for this post to be so negative or about my worries. That is all I have thought about non stop so I just need to get it off my chest. But I am really truly trying to stay positive and happy and just loving him. After all, that is all I can do right now and that is the only thing I know how to do.
We have been loving summer. I seriously don't want it to end. Ever. We took Owen and Calvin swimming. Calvin loves his bath but I don't know how he felt about the cooler water swimming. Owen got pissed I was taking his picture.
We went to a birthday party.Celebrated the 24thplayed with best friendsFell down an entire staircasekissed this faceAlmost got eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex (yet he still had a big smile on his face)Saw the worlds most dangerous creature? Dangerously sexy?Went to Grandma Loveland's funeral and saw all of the Jacobs side together. This is all her 7 kids together. She had 8 but Uncle Mark died a few years back. This may be the last time all the kids are together like this. Even though it was unfortunate events, it was still fun to see all the family.